Transformers (2007)

Can any of them transform into adults?

Stuck in TPA. Concourse C. The plane is delayed and in the corner of my eye Transformers is flickering on a big screen television. Like an auto-accident, like a train wreck, it’s impossible not to look. When a robot pees motor oil on someone a part of me died.

I didn’t see all of Transformers, but I saw enough, at least 90 minutes of undecipherable, physics-defying action and painful, lowest-common-denominator humor insulting me like few films I can recall.

The problem with this modern version of Transformers is that it can’t decide if it wants to play to the minds of children or to the testosterone of 30 year old fans nostalgic for their toys. So, it does both.

When Transformers was a cartoon and even when it was a feature length animated film it played to an audience of children only. Today, that’s not enough and I’m not sure who is to blame. I certainly would never expect Hollywood to make a film tailored only to children when it knows that there is a swelling market of 20 and 30 year old males (and perhaps a few females) stuck in a form of arrested development, desperate to relive their youth through today’s technology.

Who do I fault more, Hollywood or a generation of grown-ups who have refused to do just that? Deep down, I know it is of no use. A sequel is coming soon. I should accept that adolescence extends into the 30′s, start writing a feature length script based on Pokeman, tuck it under my mattress until the time is just right, and transform nostalgia into millions.

My Bloody Valentine 3-D (2009)

Freudian symbolism in your face (and lap).

Leaving its brains at the box office, My Bloody Valentine 3-D does exactly what Hollywood should so, it puts on a spectacle. I’ve grown so sick of a Hollywood that straddles the fence, wanting to be both entertainment and cause for serious discussion and getting neither right. Perhaps, Hollywood is not fully to blame. Lazy film critics and academics needing to bolster enrollment have watered down the expectations of film art to new lows. When torture porn and teen comedies are worth studying you know we’ve lost sight of the profound transformative qualities of great art.

My Bloody Valentine is probably never going to get studied in a classroom. Dear god let’s hope not! Perhaps from a business standpoint the movement towards 3-Dimensional projection might be seen as an attempt for Hollywood to get people away from their television sets and back into the theaters. It’s not a bad strategy. I don’t think it will be the saving grace of Hollywood. Especially, if they foolishly think that every film is worth of 3-D. No one needs to see Doubt in 3-Dimensions.

Filmmakers get 3-D right when they do it like My Bloody Valentine. Push the plot to the edge of the frame and come out swinging. Have axes and body parts flying at the audience. Toss in some full frontal nudity and you have an argument for why porno theaters might even make a return. Give people no reason to take their eyes off the screen.

I noticed that even the teenage girls sitting next to met stopped text messaging after the first few minutes and simply watched the film. Amazing!

On a purely aesthetic note, 3-D cinematography requires a great deal of shallow depth of field and shows markedly more care. It also allows for some rather inventive rack focuses. Finally, I wonder if whoever decided to remake the relatively obscure Canadian horror films My Bloody Valentine gave much consideration to how wonderful mine shafts are at creating the illusion of depth. If this was not by accident it was a brilliant decision.